Today was an anxiety day. I knew it was coming. I haven't been able to sit still with myself for a couple of weeks... but I didn't notice right away. I dedicated every moment to cleaning or reading or cooking or planning or some activity. And last night, something caught inside of me and I paused for a second.
That second was terrifying. The silence was too loud, the weeks' (maybe months'?) worth of thoughts came flooding as the dam sprung a leak. I committed to go to bed and pray about what was scaring me about being alone and being still.
Then I fell asleep.
This morning I woke up and went to work without pausing. I ate too much too many times and when Caleb was not ready to leave at 4:30, but instead at 4:40, I fell apart.
It's at moments like these that I have great empathy for toddlers.
This evening has been a time of being quiet, first with Caleb (it helps to have someone help you find true north if you've been wandering for a while) and next, the more daunting task, with myself. It's going to take a little practice, but I think we're going to find our way again. We always do.
That second was terrifying. The silence was too loud, the weeks' (maybe months'?) worth of thoughts came flooding as the dam sprung a leak. I committed to go to bed and pray about what was scaring me about being alone and being still.
Then I fell asleep.
This morning I woke up and went to work without pausing. I ate too much too many times and when Caleb was not ready to leave at 4:30, but instead at 4:40, I fell apart.
It's at moments like these that I have great empathy for toddlers.
This evening has been a time of being quiet, first with Caleb (it helps to have someone help you find true north if you've been wandering for a while) and next, the more daunting task, with myself. It's going to take a little practice, but I think we're going to find our way again. We always do.
