From 8/9/10

I am feeling a bit lost.

As I continue choosing steps that walk me farther from Spain, I feel like a small part of my identity is left huddling about three steps back saying "but... I don't know if I want to go there yet!"

Last Wednesday, my friend Amanda and I embarked on a great American road trip... to Iowa, Minnesota, South Dakota, and Nebraska (mostly in that order). We also passed through Oregon and Paradise [park]. I didn't realize when I carefully stored my Shakira, Alejandro Sanz, Jarabe de Palo, and Maná that I might be carefully storing a little part of me that's becoming increasingly difficult to get back.

Life is interesting y da muchas vueltas. I left feeling nostalgic about Spain, wanting to write letters to every one of my friends and acquaintances. In between excellent conversations about adapting, self-disclosing, and making community after college, I felt something hard dissolve in myself. I was part of a group, my group, my friends. We encouraged each other to love better, to see Christ in others, to be healthier. We laughed and cried and prayed. I realized I hadn't prayed aloud with a group of people since May of 2009. That's a long time ago.

I remembered, reinhabited the intellectual side of myself. I had to ask what words meant. I found myself saying "oh my gosh! me too!" or "me neither!" countless times. We understood each other, this eclectic group of people from Michigan to LA.

It's so weird though. I loved it with every fiber of my being. I ended with a cold and danced up a storm, but...

There's a "but".

I am different now. Part of me exists that didn't exist when I was in college. College feels like a lifetime ago. My year in Spain was four years of education crammed into one. And so as much as these friends are home to me, so is my colegio where I taught and they don't know or understand that. It's not their fault. It's just strange to feel so torn and divided. 

Best day ever...

[From 12/17/10]

"So, Dad, I planned out our whole day. First we'll make snow angels for two hours, and then we'll go ice skating, and then we'll eat a whole roll of toll house cookie dough as fast as we can, and then to finish, we'll snuggle."

Intriguing...

[12/20/10]

Both, and

ways we spend time

making space for others

acceptance

release

peace with emptiness

ashrams

beginner's mind (life-long learner?)

knowing-unknowing

space

i'm coming to grips with what it means to be a searching, wandering 20 something...

deseos...

[12/21/10]

Sometimes I wish I were Spanish.

In first grade, some of the kiddos and I have been talking about how we are all different. Even if you have freckles or don't have freckles or have skin that's different from your neighbor's, you are still you. And that's valuable.

But sometimes... I really wish I were Spanish. :)

Sex + Money

[3/19/11]

Last Monday, I had the opportunity to see a screening of the documentary Sex + Money: A National Search for Human Worth. It is about slavery right here in the USA.

I was blown away.

First of all, I think this is an issue we all need to know more about. With that said, I will add the trailer at the end of the post.

Secondly, the quality of the documentary is just outstanding. Seriously.

Thirdly (I'm going to switch to a numbered list now, because I don't want to write numbers with -ly at the end.), I got to meet the filmmakers and they were... wonderful. Any description I give will not convey how much I enjoyed, loved talking to them. They were exceedingly gracious and

4. Did I mention I think this is important? I have a lot of opinions and thoughts on it, but don't really know how to put them into a blog-friendly format yet. I'm also not sure that this is the best place for me to share that. It really reminded me of my time in Amsterdam, which was my closest experience with the whole matter.

foreigners

[A post from 9/21/11]

Today I found myself eating lunch with a colleague, a man who used to work where I work, a man from Costa Rica, and a woman from Peru. We were all speaking English - mostly.

Later I walked outside of the cafeteria and was surprised to find myself it what I will call "expat" mode. "An expatriate (in abbreviated form, expat) is a person temporarily or permanently residing in a country and culture other than that of the person's upbringing or legal residence." (Thank you wikipedia) What does that mean for "expat mode"? It means that I have turned on a filter to the best of my abilities to make my English as non-regional and dialect free as possible. This includes not slurring words together: "I'mmina go" as well as specific cultural references: "hipSTER" and probably more things than I can just list off consciously.

I was snapped out of my expat mode, or perhaps snapped into awareness that I was IN expat mode, when I walked past two students in full small-college-in-the-midwest jargon. Regrettably, I have not experienced this enough times to be able to tell you how this is different. I will keep listening and practicing awareness, but know that my experience of it was "Wow! Those people talk like I do when I'm not in a foreign context!" Then I realized that all my students were experiencing Kansas City English with all its eccentricities the same way that I experienced Jerez Spanish. It was trippy. This led me to ponder: why do people leave their countries? What causes someone to become an expat, to uproot themselves from the familiar context of home and move far away? Feel free to weigh in with a comment, but I'm going to share a two loose categories I have observed in my many hours logged with foreigners.

The Party-er.
I think we can all relate to this relocating person. I mean, who hasn't wanted to go to Europe for a month and take in the culture? For some, this means excellent sights, museums, wine, food, or villas. For others, perhaps ranging in age from 16-30, this means late nights in discotheques, no getting carded, no parents, and no responsibilities. I have students like this and it's weird to see them enjoying the party life in... suburbia USA?

The Expat
Perhaps they started a successful business and simply decided to stay. Maybe they fell in love with a local. Or maybe, they just found that they culture they moved to fit them better than the one they left. Maybe it's a retiree who always wanted to move to ____.

These are two categories and there are certainly more. No one, of course, fits into one category all the time. That's just how people are.

What do you think? What makes people (or you) leave their countries of origin?

Pringles and Patience

[post from April 2012]

"Hey baby girl, you want some Pringles? Yeah, Pringles. Mmm. You love Pringles!"

I try to squash the thoughts that come into my head about my fellow shopper at Aldi. "Oh gosh... all of the chemicals and additives... gross... No, Ellen. Just focus on why you're here. Don't judge." I scan the shelves of nuts, wishing Aldi would carry unsalted cashews. And chickpeas. I really wish for cans of chickpeas...

But the commotion in the cart next to me draws my attention once more. The baby, somewhere between 1 and 2 is whimpering. "No, we can't open them now.... No. I said NO... JEEZ. JUST STOP IT." Then the mother hisses insults at her daughter. "You're so stupid! Cut it out! Quit it or I'mmina hit you. I'mmina beat you up. Shut up!!"

I am ashamed to say that my first thought was not very nice. "Well, you're the one who dangled those nasty chips in front of her in the first place. And what's she learning from that kind of talk? Not helpful."

My next thought was, "That could be me."

That mother. Does her reaction seem a bit overblown? Have you ever been stressed out and overreacted? I sure have. I have been pushed too close to my breaking point enough time to understand how out of control you feel when your reserves of patience have been depleted.

For reasons I don't quite understand, that's been me a lot lately. Depleted in every way and not quite sure how I ended up flipping out over something so seemingly small as a daughter who wants Pringles. (Here, I need to clarify that I firmly believe it's never okay to threaten a child with violence or things that lower their self esteem.)

I have been stressed about money and my job and sometimes those two things can just infiltrate my life like that and it's like becoming a different person. That's why it seems critical to give people space, to not judge them. Even when it's hard. Even when it involves Pringles.