Nada te turbe (Are we there yet? Home, home, home)

Nada te turbe is one of my favorite songs from Taizé.

"Nada te turbe, nada te espante, quien a Dios tiene, nada le falta. Nada te turbe, nada te espante, solo Dios basta."

"Nothing can trouble, nothing can frighten, those who seek God shall never go wanting. God alone fills us."

It's true right? Have you ever been terrified of something happening? "I hope X doesn't happen. I can be okay through everything else, but if X happens, I just don't know what I will do."

I have thought this many times about things great and small. I sheepishly admit that most of the examples I can think of now seem quite trivial, but at the time seemed like much bigger deals. I've thought about it a lot during this season of engagement. One of the things I was very, very concerned about was where Caleb and I would be living. We had several options, but my big plan was this: I had to be out of my place by August 1. We are getting married on August 31. No problem. I would move into our new place and settle, then Caleb would join me.

This is almost our kitchen!

Welp. It hasn't worked like that. At all. All the way up until the end of July, all I could think of was how much I didn't want to move twice. But the world didn't end. I moved into Caleb's parents' basement and it's actually been great. As it turns out, I am not sure when we will be able to move. Probably not until after we get back from our honeymoon. (I really wanted to be moved in somewhere by the second or third week in August because heaven forbid we had to move on wedding week. And, I thought, there is no way we are moving in after the wedding, we need to have that DONE.)

But it didn't work out that way. And guess what? It's fine. The world is not spontaneously combusting because my plans did not work out.

I have learned a lot during this process about being assertive, something that is a bit challenging for me (unless I really want something, dang it). I have learned about holding my ground when something is important to me and not caving just to resolve tense moments.

I have also learned about letting go of attachments, the things that I think will cause the world to fall apart if they don't happen the way I want. I have learned this lesson the hard way, staying up all night stressed about it, calling Caleb in the middle of the night to review how my plans are not working.

I am in no way finished learning about the dynamic balance and interaction between these two: holding my ground and learning to let go, but I am learning about letting nothing trouble or frighten. I believe that because of this, when the dust settles and I have an extra measure of space to reflect, I will find myself stronger and a little more flexible in spirit.

"Nada te turbe, nada te espante, quien a Dios tiene, nada le falta. Nada te turbe, nada te espante, solo Dios basta."

First comes love, then comes marriage (but in between is engagement)

Some gratitude for all the little things that keep me keeping on:

1. Mr. Caleb himself - because no one should have to undergo wedding planning without the person they are going to marry by their side. 
2. My parents, who have been working their tails off. 
3. A cozy bed to sleep in, in the basement - seriously. Why would anyone make their bedroom upstairs when it could be in a cozy, dark, cold basement? 
4. Routines.
1. Tongue scraping and warm water in the morning (sounds weird, but I love it)
2. Lovely smelling lavender any time of day because it's the all-purpose essential oil: Stress? Need a pick-me-up? Can't sleep? Can't wake up? Dry skin? Bug bite? Pimple? Sore muscles? Lavender is the answer. 
3. Monday night yoga with Caleb
4. Church, talking with friends about normal, everyday life
5. Tutoring my favorite kiddos
6. Chocolate snack time. Yes, this is a (daily) routine
5. Listening to my iPod at work. It's an iPod mini, remember those? It has a click wheel and only turns on a backlight when you manually select that option. The music keeps open a space in my soul. Current faves: Taize, Aradhna, Trevor Hall, Nahko Bear. And some occasional top forty to keep me bouncing on my exercise ball. (Also I am grateful for my exercise ball)
6. WORK! I am so grateful that nothing new and crazy is happening in my work-life. I actually feel relieved to go there sometimes because it means I don't have to worry about if I should be wedding planning. 
7. FRIENDS! Caleb and I have had a lot of help from our peeps. 
8. I am happy I have switched from lotion to oil because it feels so luxurious to put on my hands. And right now, little luxuries are very much treasured. Also, it has less creepy ingredients. 
9. Baths. 

I think Caleb summarized what this time has been like for us, "Normally under this much stress I wouldn't be able to sleep. But I'm so exhausted that I have no problem sleeping."

We are so close.

Same love.

I heard this song today. I don't know how long it's been on the radio, but I think it could lead to some really interesting dialogue... I didn't watch the video actually, but just listened. It's not often that we hear a reflective song on the top 40.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlVBg7_08n0

Solitude.

Some seasons, I must drink in solitude only during the stolen, in-between moments. 

It is never sweeter.

Breathe on my friends. 

Cornered.

Have you ever been backed into a corner by snarling dogs who were just trying to get a bit of you and you had to kick and punch to get out?

Yeah, me neither.

(Though there was that one time that two boxers attacked me on my bike a couple weeks back. But I digress.)

Now, have you ever felt backed into a corner? Emotionally? Spiritually? Relationally? Whatever-elsely?

This post is about to get real.

Going into the month of May, all I could think was, "I wish we didn't have to celebrate my birthday this month. Because this month is going to give me a metaphorical black eye." I have always had a tendency to bite off more than I can chew, and May was a prime example of that. I committed myself to too many events, too many relationships, too many jobs, too many causes. My sleep suffered. My relationships suffered. It was bad. When May was over, all I could think was "PHEW." I had survived and I waved my champion flag. But then June came. And I hadn't really cut back all that much. I think, and I'm just sorting this out really, that if May gave me the metaphorical black eye I was expecting, June metaphorically sucker-punched me in the stomach.

Back in the day when my little brother was still, well, littler, than me, he was chronically very sick. He would be quite pleasant with the doctors and then scream at my parents and me all the time. My parents once mentioned this to a wise nurse. She was unsurprised. "He feels safe with you," she explained. "With you, he can really express the way he feels inside, the pain he is feeling."

Bless you, wise nurse.

Isn't that true? When something is hurting us or bothering us deep down, the ones we snap at first are our family members, our best friends, our loved ones. And my poor love has been hearing a lot of my misdirected anger the past month.

I've been angry, you guys (and girls). That's a difficult emotion for me because it feels out of control and scary. I think, deep down in my heart, I am craving space. nature. beauty. slowness. ease. grace. peace. early bedtimes, slow morning routines. time alone. kairos. But that's not been happening.

So as June draws to a close (AND THERE'S ONLY TWO MORE MONTHS TO WAIT UNTIL I MARRY MY BESTIE AND MY LOVE), I am taking a deep breath.

And another.

And another.

Maybe one more.

I have been feeling backed into a corner. Because of that I have been fearful, irritable, and lashing out whenever something starts to encroach on my teeny weeny space. But guess what?

There's no corner. It's all open fields and grassy plains.

Open fields of July. And the sun is shining.

My dear friend Amanda recently stayed with me. She suggested that I sign up to receive the "ennea-thought of the day." The enneagram is a whole 'nother post in itself. That I probably will never write. It's sort of like a holistic personality assessment thing. Without going into more detail about it, let me share what it sent me for today:

 For real change to occur, you will always need awareness, dedication, and perseverance. How much are you really interested in these things?

And so, for this month, I rededicate myself to making space to ponder, pray, wonder, be slow, trust that the birds won't fall out of the sky if I stop worrying. It will require awareness, dedication, perseverance. But maybe, just maybe, if I allow my soul to rest, I can stop being so angry, And start being real.

Love and hope dear ones.

Is it just me, or do you run out of words too??

Sometimes when I've been talking
talking
talking
for days on end,
I run out
of words.

Just.like.that,
I have nothing to say.

And so I must read voraciously,
filling my mouth and my soul and my mind
then
be quiet to digest.

Then I find words to speak. 

On snow and spring flowers

I awoke with a start. I slid my head under the curtain and parted the mini blinds with my fingers. Still no snow. "We're definitely having work," I thought. By the time seven thirty rolled around, fluffy flakes were pelting the ground. As I pulled on my boots, I decided to use the bathroom before beginning what would certainly be a long, soggy journey. While I was washing my hands, Carolyn's phone rang. It was Caleb. "Don't go to work!" he exclaimed. "What?" I couldn't believe it. Work was cancelled and I had been so close to heading out in the blizzard. I flopped on the couch, grateful, but wondered what I was going to do next.

******************

The second time was less stressful. I had a working cell phone and work was called off a day in advance. I slept in and marveled again at the way the new snow laced the trees and softened the world around  us. Winter gives me life. The way that snow delicately covers even the finest leaf is a poetry more beautiful than I could ever explain. It would take an entire book to explore the beauty of looking out your window while the snow is still slowly falling. The softness nestles into my heart and changes me a little. 

*****************

I look out my window again. Snow is long melted. Rains have come that last for a week, let up mercifully for the weekend, then return again to start Monday off on an extra sleepy note. Where once there was snow, now there are flowers, delicately blooming against the grey sky. Trees are coated in blossoms. The temperature is unpredictable and as finicky as an old oven at Christmas time, but it doesn't matter because there is so much GREEN everywhere. Nourished by the snow days, spring has come again. I feel it in my heart too.