I had an eating disorder. (And how I found the psychologist who helped me.)

Let me start here: I think it's probably close to impossible to make it to adulthood with a healthy relationship with food. As far as I always knew, the conversation around eating disorders revolves around two main disorders: anorexia and bulimia.

But about 5 years ago, I knew there was something wrong with me. I had gone from being someone who never worried about her weight or really thought too much about food, to the opposite of this. It started while I was living in Spain, with few close friends and a lot of alone time. I frequently would eat until I felt sick. I would secretly buy food and hide it in my room or in the back of the pantry so that no one knew how much I was eating. I called my mom and would cry to her about how painfully full I was, and how lonely and just generally anxious.

Because binging alone was never something I'd learned about as an eating disorder, I figured I didn't need to seek help unless I made myself throw up. (Word of advice - if you think you might need help, get it, even if it doesn't quite fit your expectations of a condition.)

I moved back home at the end of the school year and moved back in with my family. I reconnected with lots of friends, and found a job that I loved. I was no longer lonely, and a lot of the stresses from the year before faded away. But I still continued to binge. I tried going on a diet plan, which helped some, but not a lot. Being around people helped... but as soon as I was alone, I went straight for the fridge.

[A note about weight - I am a genetically small-framed person and I was exercising a lot. So, though I did gain weight, I was still well within a healthy weight for my height.]

 So finally one day in the spring of 2011, I found a self-screening test online. I resonated with a part that said, "Underneath obsessive dieting, disordered eating and body image disturbance, there is a lack of self worth." I cried, and then I wrote an email to two wise women from my church. The subject was "not really sure who to email..." I began like this:

"I'm not really sure how to begin. This is a very strange email for me to write. Getting straight to the point, I think I have an eating disorder and I think I need help dealing with it and I don't know where to go next. For over a year now, I have struggled to manage my emotions in a way that doesn't involve cramming food into my mouth...."

Both women responded within a few days. I got connected with another woman who had also experienced this. [Shout out - if you're struggling with this and you need someone to talk about it with, I would love to be that person.] Everyone encouraged me to seek professional counseling. I got a few names, and also did my own research using this site. I called them and interviewed them. I left messages and noted their response times. If they were a "Christian counselor", I asked them what that meant - I had a lot of friends who prayed for me, I wanted someone who was going to do a lot more that that. I asked what a typical session would be like with them.  I asked about their hours. I asked them if they had experience working with someone with an eating disorder and how those people had faired. Because I was still within a year of completing a capstone psychology class, I nerdily asked them what modalities they used. I asked if they took my insurance. But more than anything, I used these questions to feel out if I would be comfortable talking to them about what felt like my deepest, darkest secrets.

And that's how I met Marilyn. There was something about our conversation that reminded me of other mentors I'd had... Plus she took insurance and could see me at 4pm. (the only weekday time I was available.) So I booked an appointment, and began seeing her weekly for the next... well to be honest, I don't really remember how long I saw her. It might have been a year, it might have only been six months. We started easily, talking about what my world was like - with me telling her about some basic information - my job, my family, where I lived, my friendships, then moved on to talk about eating. But it turns out that my eating disorder was really just the way I coped with anxiety... and I had a lot of anxiety. So we talked about that. I cried, I laughed, I had profound realizations.  

Toward the end of our weekly sessions, I asked, "How do I know when I'm done?" She answered, "Well, you don't ever have to be 'done'. Maybe you'll want to change to every 4-6 weeks. Or maybe you'll feel like you don't have anything else you need to talk about with me. But you can always call me and come back in."

And so I do. I've seen her a couple of times over the past few years to talk about things when I start to feel overwhelmed and find that I don't have resources to handle it on my own. I saw her this last week. I had a list of things I wanted to talk to her about, and we covered them in the first half hour. 

The thing is, we all have stuff that we can't handle. And sometimes, our people who love us also don't know how to help us handle it. And for me, that's where seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist or social worker can help. And there's no shame in it. Life is beautiful and life is hard. 

I want to say one more thing - after I started to set up these supports - the woman who had also experienced it and meeting regularly with one of the people I first initially emailed, I also got real with my friends. Caleb and I weren't dating yet, but I called him up and told him about it. I told several other friends as well. And naming it and telling people... it helped. It made it feel less scary and less shameful. It let all those people who cared about me ask questions that were actually helpful. Culturally, I'll always need to be practicing and re-learning healthy, balanced eating, because we get a lot of mixed messages about it. But I will also ever advocate for counseling if you get too far off track.