How to celebrate the anniversary of the day you almost died

Today is a conflicting day. A few months ago, when I thought about this day approaching, I was full of dread. I didn't know what kinds of memories it would bring up, or what emotions it would stir. Honestly, I don't remember much about one year ago. Pain, haziness, frustration, confusion. The way our babe came into the world was full of terror. 

But what I remember vividly is the nights and days after. I remember seeing Caleb's face and knowing everything would be alright. We whispered, "I love you" back and forth all night that night and for months afterwards. I remember standing over the enormous newborn in the NICU, wondering what his sweet swollen face would look like after all the equipment came off it, wondering what it would be like to hold him in my arms. 

It was better than I could have imagined. 

I remember learning to sit, stand, and walk again, learning to pump and then learning to nurse for the first time. I remember when my milk came in and I had to stop pumping because the bottles were overflowing. I remember the one night I spent at home before Sammy got discharged - how awful it was. The night I spent at the NICU alone feels like it was just a few weeks ago, dragging a leaking catheter bag around our room. I remember the smell of new bottles, a plasticky, sterile smell that I love now. 

I remember going home and having just one week before Caleb had to go back to work. I remember the legions of wonderful people who came and brought us food and cleaned our house and yard and helped us to get some rest. 

I remember holding sweet Sammy for hours and hours, making my back and stitches ache, but happily looking at his face. 

Parenting is the most intense spiritual discipline I have ever practiced. There is plenty of grace, but the grace does not come in the form of quitting for a few days to take a break. It comes in smiles and hugs and laughter and joy and a partner who says, "You go lay down, I've got this." 

So, how to celebrate the anniversary of the day you almost died? By living, with deep gratitude. I cannot tell you how many times over the last year I have realized with a start, "I could have missed this." and immediately, "I am so glad I did not miss it."

I am so glad to not miss this.