Two lines pop up immediately, I don't even have to wait three minutes. My eyes open wide and I gasp. It is 5:40 am. Caleb is holding Sammy so he will sleep for another hour. I go back to lay in bed, jittery with emotions.
The day before nothing had sounded good to eat. Except for kettle corn. Which I don't even like. I ate an enormous bag of it and a chocolate milkshake. That night, I said to Caleb, "Just bring me something to eat and I will eat it without looking at it while watching Netflix." That was when the lightbulb went off. Oh. I know this feeling. I remember this.
By the time Caleb and Sammy wake up, the initial shock has worn off and excitement has set in.
Dear littlest one, we are so so excited to meet you. I am hoping that you look like me and are smaller than your brother, but however you are will be perfect.
I am also really really afraid of losing you.
It's different being pregnant the second time. I know how sweet this first trimester time is, before everyone starts trying to touch my belly (which I hate so readers, please don't do it). Even though my body has already shifted in some pretty big ways, many people don't know I am pregnant. Depending on how bloated I am, I don't look pregnant. (Let's talk about bellies and bloating another time.) You, my sweet one, are the size of a strawberry. But for some reason, I just have this gnawing, nagging worry in the back of my mind and in my heart that for some reason, your genetic code will be lacking something important and you will cease to be with us here. I am terrified of that. It's a cycle too, because why am I so afraid of it? Is it because it will happen?
So I pray what I prayed for Sammy, which is that I desperately want you, but I also release you to follow your path, whatever it may be. I will control what I can, which is admittedly less than it was the first time - sleep is a bit less and so are meal prep times. But in the end, you are and will always will be your own being.
I love you and even though I sometimes get overwhelmed, I can't wait to meet you and get to know you.
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