I'm going to start this post with something I wrote a year ago, in October 2017, then bring it back to the present.
(My first post about postpartum depression)
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10/13/17
It's hard to describe how difficult this week has been.
Historically, when I have thought about depression, I have imagined it Eyore-style, a little raincloud over someone's head that follows them around. But what I experienced this week was the opposite. It was like being in the sharp, blinding sunlight all the time. Hot, irritating, feeling like "c'mon, you better be working, you're burning daylight and moving too slow."
More metaphors: it felt like there was a hive of wasps stirring angrily inside.
And when it finally abated, it felt distinctly like cloud cover, descending with the peace that passes all understanding, weighing down, sending cooling rain, and finally I could rest.
I didn't sleep the first four nights of this week except for an hour here, 20 minutes there. I woke for the day at 1:15, 4:30, or 3:30, unable to relax enough to go back to sleep.
"Take deep breaths," they said. But I couldn't. I was physically unable because I had no more emotional resiliency left. It felt like labor, but I don't know what, if anything, was birthed.
I could feel myself descending lower and lower, but I didn't realize it was the postpartum depression. I participated in a survey during pregnancy through a university that was researching a large group of pregnant women. I got a follow-up questionnaire this week. I answered a few questions about the birth and about the baby's health. Then I got to the PPD questions:
"In the past week have you been A) as happy as you've ever been B) slightly less happy than usual C) significantly less happy than usual D) completely unhappy." (I can't remember the exact options, but you get the idea.)
Similar questions followed about suicide, level of interest in activities, ability to sleep, ability to work, appetite and others. This is a pretty standard questionnaire to screen for PPD. I took it at every doctor appointment for myself and baby during my maternity leave. It was given to me along with the standard paperwork for every doctor's appointment. But after those first twelve weeks, it seemed to disappear. Interesting, given that PPD can arise any time within the first year after the baby was born.
This time as I answered the questions, my answers were different. Significantly unhappy, little to no interest in daily activities. Not sleeping. Very anxious.
The thing that is a bear about something like depression is how long it lasts. When I first started feeling depressed, I reached out through almost all of my channels to say I needed help. And I got help. But that was months and months ago. How do you go back to those same channels and say the same things again?
***************************************
Now, in October 2018, I've been seeing a new counselor for several months. I had seen one last fall, but it wasn't a great fit. At my last appointment, my new counselor gently suggested I needed to make time to connect to and move my body. She asked if I was doing anything now to feel at home in my body, like yoga, going for walks. I thought about my life and wondered if doing dishes or scrubbing the floor under the high chair counted. I wanted to laugh and tell her that I didn't know how anyone had time to do that, but I knew she was right.
Part of me felt like I shouldn't have needed to see a counselor to tell me that I need to exercise to help myself feel better. But a bigger part of me thinks that every new parent should see a counselor, someone who is a good fit, to help transition into this stage of life. It's such a big change - and there's minimal guidance on how to do it. It is hard, when you're already overwhelmed, to imagine finding the time to interview or try out different therapists. But when you find one... magic. (Well, actually, it's a lot of work, but then you feel a little lighter and less alone and it's good.)
(My first post about postpartum depression)
******************************************
10/13/17
It's hard to describe how difficult this week has been.
Historically, when I have thought about depression, I have imagined it Eyore-style, a little raincloud over someone's head that follows them around. But what I experienced this week was the opposite. It was like being in the sharp, blinding sunlight all the time. Hot, irritating, feeling like "c'mon, you better be working, you're burning daylight and moving too slow."
More metaphors: it felt like there was a hive of wasps stirring angrily inside.
And when it finally abated, it felt distinctly like cloud cover, descending with the peace that passes all understanding, weighing down, sending cooling rain, and finally I could rest.
I didn't sleep the first four nights of this week except for an hour here, 20 minutes there. I woke for the day at 1:15, 4:30, or 3:30, unable to relax enough to go back to sleep.
"Take deep breaths," they said. But I couldn't. I was physically unable because I had no more emotional resiliency left. It felt like labor, but I don't know what, if anything, was birthed.
I could feel myself descending lower and lower, but I didn't realize it was the postpartum depression. I participated in a survey during pregnancy through a university that was researching a large group of pregnant women. I got a follow-up questionnaire this week. I answered a few questions about the birth and about the baby's health. Then I got to the PPD questions:
"In the past week have you been A) as happy as you've ever been B) slightly less happy than usual C) significantly less happy than usual D) completely unhappy." (I can't remember the exact options, but you get the idea.)
Similar questions followed about suicide, level of interest in activities, ability to sleep, ability to work, appetite and others. This is a pretty standard questionnaire to screen for PPD. I took it at every doctor appointment for myself and baby during my maternity leave. It was given to me along with the standard paperwork for every doctor's appointment. But after those first twelve weeks, it seemed to disappear. Interesting, given that PPD can arise any time within the first year after the baby was born.
This time as I answered the questions, my answers were different. Significantly unhappy, little to no interest in daily activities. Not sleeping. Very anxious.
The thing that is a bear about something like depression is how long it lasts. When I first started feeling depressed, I reached out through almost all of my channels to say I needed help. And I got help. But that was months and months ago. How do you go back to those same channels and say the same things again?
***************************************
Now, in October 2018, I've been seeing a new counselor for several months. I had seen one last fall, but it wasn't a great fit. At my last appointment, my new counselor gently suggested I needed to make time to connect to and move my body. She asked if I was doing anything now to feel at home in my body, like yoga, going for walks. I thought about my life and wondered if doing dishes or scrubbing the floor under the high chair counted. I wanted to laugh and tell her that I didn't know how anyone had time to do that, but I knew she was right.
Part of me felt like I shouldn't have needed to see a counselor to tell me that I need to exercise to help myself feel better. But a bigger part of me thinks that every new parent should see a counselor, someone who is a good fit, to help transition into this stage of life. It's such a big change - and there's minimal guidance on how to do it. It is hard, when you're already overwhelmed, to imagine finding the time to interview or try out different therapists. But when you find one... magic. (Well, actually, it's a lot of work, but then you feel a little lighter and less alone and it's good.)
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