From 8/9/10

I am feeling a bit lost.

As I continue choosing steps that walk me farther from Spain, I feel like a small part of my identity is left huddling about three steps back saying "but... I don't know if I want to go there yet!"

Last Wednesday, my friend Amanda and I embarked on a great American road trip... to Iowa, Minnesota, South Dakota, and Nebraska (mostly in that order). We also passed through Oregon and Paradise [park]. I didn't realize when I carefully stored my Shakira, Alejandro Sanz, Jarabe de Palo, and Maná that I might be carefully storing a little part of me that's becoming increasingly difficult to get back.

Life is interesting y da muchas vueltas. I left feeling nostalgic about Spain, wanting to write letters to every one of my friends and acquaintances. In between excellent conversations about adapting, self-disclosing, and making community after college, I felt something hard dissolve in myself. I was part of a group, my group, my friends. We encouraged each other to love better, to see Christ in others, to be healthier. We laughed and cried and prayed. I realized I hadn't prayed aloud with a group of people since May of 2009. That's a long time ago.

I remembered, reinhabited the intellectual side of myself. I had to ask what words meant. I found myself saying "oh my gosh! me too!" or "me neither!" countless times. We understood each other, this eclectic group of people from Michigan to LA.

It's so weird though. I loved it with every fiber of my being. I ended with a cold and danced up a storm, but...

There's a "but".

I am different now. Part of me exists that didn't exist when I was in college. College feels like a lifetime ago. My year in Spain was four years of education crammed into one. And so as much as these friends are home to me, so is my colegio where I taught and they don't know or understand that. It's not their fault. It's just strange to feel so torn and divided.